The Totally Legitimate, Highly Objective Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse Review
That movie sucked, you know what’s better? My story that came from watching the movie, so here it is.
So I’m like walking to the theatre and I left my money in my 350 GT, so like any normal human being, I’m probably gonna have to steal it.
“Hey.” Deep voice and all. I started standing on my tippy toes and expanding my arms in a ring shape. It’s a simple intimidation technique, I read it online on BearSmarts.com.
“S-sorry man, didn’t mean to,” he whimpered, hands clasped around his mouth.
“Uh-huh, that’s no good. You’re going to have to buy my ticket.” My hand extends. “Please.”
“H-here you go.” His hand trembles as he releases the loose change and bills in his pocket.
Okay, so onto the movie. I’m standing at the side, legs extended sideways and all, past my hips. Perpetual power stance, you know. It’s the ideal position, I read it online.
So like the movie starts, and then the flashy lights really fuck me up. Some dude to the right of me starts foaming at the mouth and hyperventilating. Like seriously, dude? I’m trying to watch the movie. To make it worse, some people come around and like start yelling to call the ambulance and they’re blocking me from seeing the movie; people seriously have no respect sometimes.
And like this guy, Peter Parker, the “hero” of the movie just starts flexing on the audience. And then this guy, Miles Morales has a power of creating 2D boxes of text that blow up in a 3D world? And then THAT’S when I realize, the producers were trying to emulate a comic book feel. My mind works in mysterious ways; that’ll really get past those video essay YouTube guys. And then there’s this other guy, Peter B. Parker, like dude, really? How’d this blunder of originality get past the writing team? And HE has the same powers as the other dude, just with a horrible case of the infamous dad-bod. Nice one, Sony.
And then this girl shows up, and her name is like SpiderGWEN?! What the fuck is a Gwen? Okay whatever, she has a hoodie thing too. Very aerodynamic, Sony.
And then, Nicolas Cage just comes on with his stupid hat and goggles and is just Spiderman, again. And HE has the same powers as the other two, but he’s just black. Nice diversity, Sony; don’t know how they’re gonna handle the controversy having Nicolas Cage as the actor, but whatever.
And then this Chinese cartoon girl just pops up in her mech suit, and her frames is completely wrong. This seems unexplainable until you realize that the funds are being sucked up by a literal corporate pig (elaborated in next paragraph). Good one, Sony.
And then they pay like 2 trillion dollars to get Porky Pig in the damn movie, which explains the horrible art for the other two. No colours for Nicolas Cage, and no frames for Peni Parker. This type of amateur money management really fucked with me, because I thought this movie had potential. This kind of blunder really explains why Aquaman beat this amateur film in box office sales. Nice one, Sony.
As for the story, they go to save the world from Kingpin, a guy who lost his neck in a tragic neck-related accident, and now he’s pissed so he’s trying to blow up the world so that they all lose their necks too. I’m glad that Sony at least honours their best work, The Amazing Spiderman, in that they kind of rip off the Lizard’s arc there. And MAN is he built, I mean look at the deltoids and traps on that absolute unit! He’s my favourite character. Kingpin was trying to like create a portal to hell to blow up the world, which isn’t unlike what those wolves in sheep’s clothing over at CERN is trying to do over at the LHC. Nice reference, Sony.
Sony, you really fucked up with this one. Completely unoriginal cast and premise, only 1 likeable character, and Nicolas Cage post-National Treasure? The guy named his kid fuckin’ Superman. SUPERMAN.
Anyways, back to the topic. I’m walking out of the theatre and the guy asks if I enjoyed the movie. Obviously, I hate enjoying things, so I put my hand on his shoulder just like in the movie.
“Haha dude I watched the movi-”
then I suplex the damn kid for even talking to me when I’m obviously in a bad mood from just watching that shit movie.
1/10, too many spiders. And men.